We usually think of bullying as a face to face encounter with verbal intimidation or physical threats and, sometimes, actual violence. This is escalated socially when a group focuses on one person or subset of individuals. Shame, humiliation and a damaged sense of self are the result and can be long lasting. Schools and those involved in child care are very sensitive to observing these events.
A more subtle form of bullying is exclusion. This is harder to do and developes as children get older. It is common place in adult life as our society is composers of countless “exclusive” groups which you may or may not be a part of. Hopefully civility rules the day and you are solid enough about yourself to tolerate the rejections. Often children lack this strength and are damaged.
Think back to middle school and high school when in and out groups formed. This can be as subtle as being invited or excluded from a cafeteria table or group talking on the playground. Adults get involved by championing exclusive teams and clubs, always excluding those deemed of lessor value. Autonomy is a psychological goal and along with it developing a solid sense of self, but these are fragile in children and adolescents. If you enter adult life feeling damaged or rejected, it can effect you the rest of your life.
Adults can’t stop this process, but we need to make sure we don’t encourage it. Each child must have the opportunity to grow. The complexities of the adult world with it’s exclusivity and rejections will come soon enough and our task is to help young people enter this world intact.
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