I recently spoke with a distressed woman in her 50’s who said her mother had died and her sister refused to speak to her dad. This had been going on over two years. Her sister felt slighted at the funeral and refused to speak to the father, now 76, with extreme distress to him and other family members. The woman hurt for her father and was frustrated with her sister. What can I do, she ask?
Discussing this with her, I could feel her pain. This is all too common in families as personal slights, perceived or real, can cause pain and damage to many. I advised her to talk to her sister and try and facilitate a healing with her father, but to keep in mind her limits. You can’t control other people, or they, you. We also talked about her comforting her father and even how to advise him. We talked of how to address her own hurt and frustration within herself, the most important task when you are distressed. It gave some comfort to have a strategy, even though she could not control the outcome.
All families have conflicts. Examine your role in the origin and possible solution and find ways to deal with your own emotions. It’s an ongoing process for everyone.